Insanity

The Dictionary defines the word insanity as:

in-san-i-ty
noun, plural in-san-i-ties

     the condition of being insane:  a derangement of the mind.

     Psychiatry
       a.   extreme foolishness;  folly; senselessness; foolhardiness;
       b.   a foolish or senseless action, policy, statement, etc.

Ben Franklin described it like this:

     Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Julie, why are you looking up the definition of insanity?  It's because I think I have a problem.  No...I know I have a problem.  And it's becoming somewhat more obvious to me and to those around me.  Especially in the last 2 weeks or so.  I have tried to justify this issue  by saying it was someone else's doing but I have to able to look myself in the mirror every day and by blaming Doreen I was really not able to do that.  Although I do believe she was a trigger, even if she wasn't aware that she was a trigger.  I did however inform her of this at the time and instead of telling me she thought I should seek help, she just laughed.   One should never laugh at a person teetering on the edge.  It only tips them over that edge they were teetering on and puts them into full blown  I.N.S.A.N.I.T.Y.

It all started on a perfectly normal day.  I was talking to Doreen and we were having a lovely conversation about life and in the middle of this conversation she informs me that Heaven and Earth Designs was having a  sale.  A 50% off sale.  And she had purchased 2 charts during this sale.  I replied with enthusiasm and she said the sale is still going on.  Really?  I'll have to check it out I answered.  Now keep in mind, I had managed to avoid HAED's website for quite some time after the 12 Dancing Princesses debacle and if I wasn't mentally off I would have never even thought of going there again.  After all, it would be extreme foolishness to do so since I swore I would never buy one of those charts ever, ever again.  But Doreen's words just hung there in my head.  Taunting me.  So throwing caution to the wind, I trip trapped tripped over the computer keys and landed on HAED's website, signed myself in and went to look at the charts Doreen had bought.  Cute charts D!  At this point I should have backed slowly and quietly out of the website so that it didn't know I was ever there.  But NOOOOOO, I had to have a little look see while I was there and before I knew it I had charts in my shopping cart.  Not 1 chart....not 2 charts...hell, not even 3 charts.  No, not me...I had FOUR, count 'em FOUR charts in  that shopping cart.  And then a miracle happened, the promo code Doreen had given me didn't work!  The sale had ended and I was not going to pay full price for these charts.  I was able to breathe a deep sigh of regret mixed with a healthy dose of relief and leave the site without completely losing my sanity.  But the thought of those charts was now embedded deeply in my brain and last week when I received an email (because of course I signed up for email notifications while I was there before) that they were having a Memorial Day sale, the voices in my head started whispering to me.  And they got louder with every passing minute.  And I was weak and signed back in and put those charts back in my cart.  And then I sat there, staring at the computer screen, finger hovering over the buy now button.  When Dan walked over half an hour later I was still there, wrestling with myself.  Why would I buy these charts that I will probably never ever ever stitch?  What is wrong with me???? You have 2 of them downstairs in the basement, taunting you every time you go down there!  So why would anyone in their right mind buy more?????  And then it hit me.  I'm not in my right mind.  I can't be.  No sane person does this.  And then Dan asks me what I'm doing.  And I tell him I'm trying not to push the buy now button.  And he asks what I'm trying not to buy.  And I tell him.  And I show him the first chart.

Bellezza Fiero

And he thinks it's cool.

I show him the second chart and he screws up his face and says what the the heck is it?  I see Satan!  Why are you buying a chart of Satan??  And I say it's a horse you idiot!  And he says I don't see a horse, I see Satan.

Equus

So I show him the 3rd chart and he says that it's pretty.

Garden of Delight

And finally I show him the last one and he thinks it's awesome and wants to know why I'm hesitating.

Sanctuary of Knowledge

So I tell him my dilemma and he says, if you like them and they are on sale you should buy them. I feel the blood drain our of my face and my eyes grow round and I'm like...are you serious?  He nods his head yes and in an effort to maintain some small grasp on my sanity I prolong the agony with a discussion on whether I should I buy the hard copy or the PDF download version.  And he says, do you save money with the PDF and I say, well there isn't any shipping then and he says go with the PDF and then and BAM!!!  My finger hits buy now and before I know it I have downloaded all 4 onto a memory stick.  And the voices in my head are laughing manically and I know I am lost.  And the next day when Dan came home he had all 4 printed out and in binders.  He set them gently on the table and said...you do know you will never live long enough to finish one of these charts, much less 4 of them.  Do you know how many pages each of these things has????  What were you thinking??

I look at him and give him a sickly grin, shrug my shoulders, shake my head and admit that I have a problem.  They say that's the first step to recovery right?  Admitting I have a problem?  Only that doesn't seem to have helped.  Because in the last week I have acquired 3 more charts.  Not on the scale of the HAED's but still charts and I have a list, a long and growing list of other's that I need, that I want, that I am lusting after.  And the voices are not getting quieter.  So if I disappear suddenly, you'll know that Dan has had me committed.  Do you think they'll let me stitch at the funny farm??

I'll update you on my stitching progress in my next post.  This one has gotten a bit long.  And thanks everyone for the get well wishes from last time.  I'm feeling better but am still a snotty mess with a nasty cough.  At least I have my voice back.  Dan came down with it too and is just now starting to feel a tad better.  It's nasty, that's for sure!

Take care till next time!

Julie